I found Joy and peace through loving and caring for myself, what better way to do a come back than sharing why I have been away !!
It’s been like a month or two since i wrote a blog post that comes from deep within my heart, a blog that takes you through my every emotion and as i am slowly coming back to my content creation i was like this should be the best way to come back to the groove of doing the things i am very passionate about.
So let’s start with the juice, where i have been ?
Well to be honest i have been working LOL !! Nothing bad happened to me most of the time when creators take breaks people assume they are going through depression or heartbreak but most of the time we aren’t , sometimes we just need a break and to be fairly honest there was a time i was depressed and suicidal but still i was creating content but when i was healing i took a break of pulling out my positive energy and kept for myself i felt like my inner me needed ME more than ever so i stopped showing up and being consistent with my passion and i started living for ME.
My life from September has been the most happiest and memorable months of this year and the reason is that I FOUND ME , something i struggled with for the longest time see there is this one thing you need to know about me i am a people pleaser i am this kind of person that feel the need to make other people feel good no matter what it will cost me, i am the kind of friend that will put her friends first even when i am dying and it is okay, i don’t regret being this way i actually enjoying being this way but sometimes it can be toxic when you are pulling into the wrong cup.
All these years i have been working on myself to be the best version of myself and through my journey i was also trying to help people around me heal at the same time and it drained me at first i didn’t see because in my head i was like i am helping people i am doing the best thing for them , you can’t pull into 2 cups at the same time.
I was trying to best the best version of myself but i will always find myself mixed in other stories that it ended up breaking me . Most of the time when i would feel drained it would be because i would want people, situations and life to go my way and i would find myself trying to be with people who didn’t want me and i ended up hating myself cause at one point i started feeling like i was the problem.
I always blamed myself for situations that didn’t work out but in September thanks to a text that started my other healing journey i got to understand it was never about me, i wasn’t the problem , the problem was the way i always wanted to fix broken things , pouring my heart into broken glasses hoping i will fix them somedays but at one point i got to understand you can’t save everyone, not everyone wants to be saved.
Realizing that i started questioning each friendship and situation in my life and i got to understand that i was drained and broken because i wasn’t valued by certain friends and it is okay to not be valued in some situations not everyone is meant to love you or stay in your life and i had to forgive myself for forcing my inner me to be valued and loved by people who choose not too.
I can’t remember how many letters i wrote to myself trying to forgive myself , how many tears i cried but when my inner self finally understood it was never about me i started healing, loving me more , i started living again and i started saying goodbye.
Goodbye to dead end friendships, goodbye to the wanna be , goodbye to those people i knew very well they were destructive and hoped i will save , through all the goodbyes i found the good , the joy , the happiness in self forgiveness and trusting myself again.
Now i am more happy , less controlling because i know that not everything is meant to be , i started being easy on myself , nurturing my inner most self and pulling in my cup and for once in this year i feel content and over joyful.
So yeah that’s where i have been , Healing, releasing bad energy and forgiving myself for all the past mistakes, my life has been quiet and very enjoyable and that is because i started pouring into myself, serving my own cup before i serve others, I am no longer anxious , no longer listen to people that tear me apart i no longer entertain situations hoping they will change along the way, i no longer want to be in spaces where i am not celebrated. I AM FREE and I AM BACK !
As i love to say healing and growth is not a straight line it’s progress, it’s the whole process that matters not the end line so never be afraid to start over, try new things and forgive yourself and always remember you are more than enough , it took me 10 years to finally accept that somethings are never meant to be so don’t stress yourself , you got this.
Remember life will keep putting you in different situations until you learn what it is teaching you so whenever you see a repeating pattern in your life don’t overlook it, understand it.
My cup is full now and i keep refilling it everyday and i am ready to fill yours again so welcome onboard again, thank you for waiting patiently for me.
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