Why did you pursue me if you knew you weren’t here to stay?
That’s the question that runs through my mind after every failed relationship. I opened my heart, shared my fears, and showed my most vulnerable self — only to be left wondering why someone would let me in if they had no intention of staying. On the outside, I might look strong and guarded, but deep down, I’m a hopeless romantic. I crave deep connections, warm hugs, long walks on the beach, late-night kisses, and lasting love.
But in today’s world, where short-term “fun” seems to be the trend, loving deeply often feels like a weakness. I’ve tried to play it cool, to embrace casual flings, but I lose interest quickly. The truth? For me, people who only invest in “fun” moments often feel boring. It’s exhausting trying to date in a time where everyone says they want deep connections, but few are willing to put in the work.
God knows how many times I’ve cried over a failed relationship. I’ve even asked myself: Why keep looking for love? Why keep chasing it? Maybe if I stopped chasing, it would find me. And that’s when it hit me — I’d been focusing on the wrong thing all along.
The real secret is:
Focus On You That Is When Love Finds You
The more you chase love and try to force things to work, the more likely you are to end up broken-hearted. Instead, channel that energy into yourself – cherish who you are, understand your worth, and set the standard for how you want to be treated. This year, I was miserable because I made dating my top priority ( you don’t set a timer for when to find love; that is a crazy mistake). I kept telling myself, “This is the year I’ll find love,” so every time someone showed me even the slightest attention, I started imagining a relationship. In doing so, I entertained situations that weren’t right for me and, honestly, attracted trouble. Looking back, 2024 was so much better — and that’s because love was the last thing on my mind. Your first priority should always be YOU. Everything else will fall into place.
Love will find you when the time is right.
YOU ARE NOT TOO BROKEN TO BE LOVED
Something I learned the hard way: after my breakup, I became determined to be the best partner I could be. During my healing journey, I learned so much about myself: my attachment style, my patterns, and why I react the way I do. It was heartbreaking to discover that I’m an anxious-avoidant person. As someone who has always aimed to be “that girl,” it was hard to accept that I had flaws. My goal shifted from simply healing to becoming more secure and confident in relationships.
But through this process, I kept blaming myself for every failed relationship. I thought, “If only I had been more secure and less anxious, maybe things would have worked.” And I know that when we learn something negative about ourselves, it’s easy to spiral into self-blame. But here’s the truth: it’s not all on you. Relationships require two intentional people investing in each other. It doesn’t matter if you’re secure or avoidant — if the commitment and intentionality are there, things can work.
I’ve seen this lesson play out in my friendships, too. My love life wasn’t the only messy area; my relationships with women used to be difficult, and I eventually gave up trying. That changed when I met my current friends, who have taught me intentionality, loyalty, and trust. They’ve seen my flaws but still embraced me. Through them, I’ve realized you don’t have to be perfect, fully healed, or completely secure to be loved. Complete healing doesn’t exist — we all have flaws and things to work on.
So stop overwhelming yourself with the idea that you must “fix” everything before you can be loved. Instead, ask yourself: How can I love myself better? How can I show up for the people around me? How can I be intentional with the relationships God has placed in my life? When you focus on compassion and intentional love toward others, that’s when real love finds you (and yes, I’m still waiting for mine).
The moment I realized this, I stopped chasing the perfect love and started cherishing the life I have right now.
So here’s what I know for sure: love is not something you hunt down — it’s something you create space for. The more you grow, the more you love yourself, and the more intentional you are with the people already in your life, the more you’ll attract the kind of love that’s worth keeping. Until then, I’ll keep showing up for myself, cherishing the people who cherish me, and trusting that when the time is right, love will meet me exactly where I am.
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